A Therapist's Reflection on Foreboding Joy

Have you ever felt an overwhelming moment of joy, only to immediately feel a pang of fear? Maybe your child is laughing and healthy, and instead of being present and soaking in the moment, your mind immediately dashes into what could go wrong. Another way to familiarize it, maybe there is something good finally happening, and your first instinct is question how long will it last.

If this is relatable than you are not alone. Let's talk about two very helpful concepts, vulnerability and foreboding joy. It is something that I see regularly in my work as a therapist and in my own life.

Why Vulnerability Matters?

To understand foreboding joy, we first must understand vulnerability. One of my favorite researchers, which I will reference multiple times in this reflection is Brene Brown, she stated in Daring Greatly, "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity." This led to my definition of vulnerability, which is the willingness to expose oneself emotionally, therefore, showing up without certainty. Vulnerability is the true form of courage and truth, while understanding that courage and truth are almost never comfortable, but they are never areas of weakness.

Being vulnerable is hard work, especially those who have lived and experienced constant trauma, loss, and disappointment. It can feel safer to expect the worse than to risk being blindsided by it.

What Is Foreboding Joy?

In Dr. Brown's work, she discusses the concept of foreboding joy. Foreboding on its own, is defined as fearful apprehension, it implies that something bad is going to happen. Joy is a feeling of great pleasure, happiness, and rejoice. Therefore, foreboding joy is where fear accompanies our most joyful experiences. Instead of allowing ourselves to fully feel happiness, we begin to emotionally rehearse tragedy, as if we can soften the blow of potential loss.

Joy is one of the scariest feelings in the lived experience, due to a person being in their most vulnerable state. We often tell ourselves "Don't get too happy", "Don't let your guard down," "Expect the worst." Therefore, it is an emotional armor, which its means is to protect us, but at the end it robs us from the things that make life meaning.

Foreboding Joy in Therapy and in Life

I have seen foreboding joy show up in therapy rooms in quiet but powerful ways:

• Clients who begin to feel better, then self-sabotage because they fear it won't last.
• Parents who can't fully enjoy their children's milestones because they're bracing for the next crisis.
• Individuals healing from trauma who are learning to let joy back in, but who hesitate to trust it.

In my career as a therapist, I have felt it too. I have caught myself holding back emotionally during moments of celebration, worried that something might come and steal the joy away. Foreboding joy does not mean we are broken. It means we care deeply and that scares us.

Gratitude: The Antidote to Foreboding Joy

In my practice, I have learned one remarkable form to fight this feeling of apprehension and doubt. The ones that could fully feel joy were not the ones with the safest lives; they were the ones who regularly implemented practices of gratitude in their daily lives.

Dr. Brown stated, "It's not joy that makes us grateful; it's gratitude that makes us joyful."

Gratitude is one of those practices, that at the beginning feels like you have to fake it until you make. It makes us stay in the present. It reminds us that joy does not need to be earned and it is not guaranteed. It is something we honor, notice, and absorb.

Remembering that gratitude is not the practice of dismissing their own pain, but training their mind to be able to hold both joy and hardship at once.

Here are a few small practices I recommend:

• Keep a daily "three things I am grateful for" list
• Say out loud: "This is a good moment," Let yourself feel it
• Notice and name the ordinary joys (My favorite ordinary joy is a sunset!)

Being Present is a Brave Act

Learning to sit with joy takes mindfulness and practice. It is okay if it feels uncomfortable at first. You sit with your break and your feet on the floor. You name your feelings. You may also use mantras such as, "I am safe in this moment"

Final Thought

Foreboding joy is a universal human experience. But so is being courage to stay present with happiness. It is a gamble and it feels risky. If you have been bracing for the worse, I invite you to try something different. Let the joy in. Let gratitude guide you. And remember, it is okay to feel good. You're allowed to be happy.