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Why Couples Feel Unheard And How to Truly Listen
“You’re not even listening to me.”
“I am listening!”
“Then what did I just say?”
Sound familiar?
If you’re in a relationship, you’ve probably experienced a version of this exchange, one that leaves both people feeling more disconnected than understood. One partner feels ignored, dismissed, or invalidated. The other feels attacked or confused, unsure what went wrong. And both end up wondering: Why is this so hard?
The Difference Between Hearing and Listening
In therapy, we often talk about the difference between hearing to respond and listening to understand.
Too often, partners listen with an agenda:
- To defend themselves
- To correct the other person
- To solve the problem
- Or simply to get their turn to talk
But genuine listening, what therapists call reflective listening, has no other goal than to understand.
“They Just Want to Fix Everything”
A pattern we see frequently in therapy goes something like this:
One partner comes in feeling like their thoughts or emotions are dismissed. They’ll say something like, “When I try to talk about a stressful day, my partner jumps straight into problem-solving. It makes me feel like they’re not hearing me.”
The other partner is often surprised. “I thought I was helping,” they might say. “I didn’t realize they just needed me to listen.”
This dynamic is incredibly common, one person seeks connection, the other offers correction and both end up feeling misunderstood.
Why Reflective Listening Works
Reflective listening is a core communication skill used in couples therapy to slow down conversations, build empathy, and create emotional safety.
It involves:
- Being fully present. No distractions, no multitasking, just you and your partner.
- Listening without interrupting. Resist the urge to form a response while they’re still talking.
- Reflecting back what you heard. Capture the essence of what they said, not just the words.
For example:
“It sounds like you felt dismissed in that meeting, and that left you feeling frustrated and alone?” This kind of response helps the other person feel seen, heard, and validated, even when you don’t fully agree.
“I Don’t Need You to Agree, I Need You to Understand”
One of the biggest insights couples gain in therapy is that validation isn’t the same as agreement. You don’t have to share your partner’s feelings to acknowledge them.
If one partner says, “I feel like you don’t care when you’re on your phone during dinner,” the instinct might be to defend:
“I’m just checking an email!”
“You’re on your phone too!”
But a validating response sounds more like:
“It sounds like when I’m on my phone at dinner, you feel unimportant like I’m choosing work over you.”
That small shift can transform the conversation from conflict to connection.
Why Listening Feels So Hard
Listening seems simple, but emotionally, it’s vulnerable. It requires putting aside your ego, your defenses, and the need to be right.
Many couples admit in therapy that reflective listening feels “awkward” or “forced” at first, especially if they didn’t grow up in families that modeled emotional communication. But with practice, it becomes more natural and deeply rewarding.
Tips for Practicing Reflective Listening at Home
- Create space. Avoid emotional talks when distracted or rushed. Set aside 10–15 minutes of uninterrupted time.
- Use “I” statements. Instead of “You never listen,” try “I feel unheard when I’m talking and you’re on your phone.”
- Take turns. One speaks, one reflects then switch.
- Don’t rush to fix. Ask, “Do you want support or solutions?” Often, people just want to be heard.
- Stay curious. If you’re unsure, ask: “Can you help me understand that better?”
The Payoff: Feeling Seen
The goal of reflective listening isn’t to win, it’s to connect. When partners begin to feel genuinely heard, defensiveness fades, empathy grows, and even difficult conversations become more manageable.
As couples often say after practicing this skill for a while:
“We still disagree sometimes, but now we know how to hear each other without turning it into a battle.”
So next time you’re in a tough conversation, pause and ask yourself:
Am I listening to respond or listening to understand?
Because sometimes, the most healing thing you can say isn’t advice or a solution, but simply:
“I hear you. And I get why you feel that way.”
