“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past can be any different” -Oprah

Forgiveness is a profound human process that has long been discussed in psychology, religion, and philosophy. In the therapeutic context, forgiveness is not merely a moral or spiritual ideal. It is a deeply emotional process with significant implications for psychological healing. From an emotion-focused theoretical lens, forgiveness is best understood not as forgetting, condoning, or reconciling, but as a transformative emotional shift that allows a person to let go of toxic anger and hurt while reclaiming inner peace. This article explores what forgiveness is and what it is not, outlines emotion-focused therapy (EFT) perspectives, and highlights practices that can help individuals move toward forgiveness and letting go.

What Forgiveness Is and What It Is Not

Clinicians often emphasize that forgiveness is often misunderstood. It is not the same as excusing harmful behavior, minimizing injustice, or reconciling with someone who continues to cause harm. As psychologist Everett Worthington (2006) explains, “Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, pardoning, or necessarily restoring the relationship. It means changing the way we view and feel about the offender.” Forgiveness is therefore an internal process. It is a choice to release resentment and the desire for revenge.

From an emotion-focused standpoint, forgiveness involves the reorganization of emotional responses. Anger and betrayal are natural reactions to wrongdoing; however, when these emotions remain unresolved, they can become corrosive. Enright and Fitzgibbons (2000) note, “Unforgiveness is a state of emotional pain in which anger, resentment, and hostility dominate.” Forgiveness is not about denying these emotions but about processing them so they no longer define one’s inner world.

It is also critical to distinguish forgiveness from reconciliation. Reconciliation requires trust and safety, which may not always be possible. Forgiveness, however, is primarily an intrapersonal act. The internal release that does not depend on the offender’s actions or remorse. In this sense, forgiveness is about reclaiming agency and psychological freedom.

The Emotion-Focused Perspective

Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT), pioneered by Leslie Greenberg, provides a useful framework for understanding forgiveness as an emotional transformation. EFT holds that emotions are not simply symptoms to be controlled but adaptive signals that guide healing. Anger, grief, and hurt emerge in response to violations of trust, and these emotions must be accessed and worked through for genuine forgiveness to occur.

Greenberg and Warwar (1999) describe forgiveness as a “process of emotional resolution” in which old emotional responses are replaced with new, more adaptive ones. In this process, individuals allow themselves to feel their hurt fully, access compassion (sometimes for themselves, sometimes for the offender), and ultimately develop a new emotional stance. “Forgiveness is not a decision made once but a process of emotional change,” Greenberg emphasizes.

The emotional work often involves two key steps. First, the injured person must access and express primary emotions such as sadness, fear, or shame, which often lie beneath anger. Second, they may engage in “meaning-making,” which involves reframing the offense in a way that reduces its grip. This does not minimize the harm, but rather contextualizes it in a broader narrative that allows for growth and release.

Practices to Support Forgiveness

Therapeutically, forgiveness is best facilitated through guided emotional work rather than through forced moral reasoning. Several practices grounded in emotion-focused principles can support this process:

1. Acknowledging the Hurt: Clients are encouraged to openly acknowledge and express the pain caused by the offense. Journaling, therapy dialogues, or role-play exercises help bring these emotions to the surface.
2. Empty Chair Dialogue: A well-known EFT technique involves placing the offender in an “empty chair” and expressing unresolved feelings directly. This facilitates both emotional release and the possibility of developing compassion or closure.
3. Self-Compassion Practices: Forgiveness often begins with self-forgiveness. Compassion-focused meditation or affirmations can help clients soften self-blame and create emotional space for forgiving others.
4. Reframing the Narrative: Clients are guided to reframe the meaning of the offense. For instance, instead of viewing themselves solely as victims, they may come to see themselves as survivors with resilience and strength.
5. Letting Go Rituals: Symbolic acts, such as, writing a letter and not sending it, or releasing a physical object representing resentment can provide closure and a tangible sense of release.
6. Gradual Exposure to Empathy: When safe and appropriate, clients may be invited to consider the offender’s humanity or circumstances. This does not excuse harm but can reduce the intensity of anger and foster emotional release.

Conclusion

From an emotion-focused therapeutic lens, forgiveness is not about excusing, forgetting, or reconciling. It is about transforming one’s emotional relationship to the hurt and freeing oneself from the grip of resentment. By engaging deeply with emotions of anger, sadness, and compassion, individuals can move toward genuine release. As Enright (2001) reminds us, “Forgiveness is a choice to offer mercy to those who have wounded us, even when justice is still sought.” In therapy, forgiveness is less about absolving another and more about reclaiming peace for oneself. Through practices that honor and transform painful emotions, forgiveness becomes not a single act but a healing journey toward freedom.

References

1. Enright, R. D., & Fitzgibbons, R. P. (2000). Helping clients forgive: An empirical guide for resolving anger and restoring hope. American Psychological Association.
2. Greenberg, L. S., & Warwar, S. H. (1999). “Development and validation of a scale for measuring emotional processing.” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 67(6), 989–999.
3. Worthington, E. L. (2006). Forgiveness and reconciliation: Theory and application. Brunner-Routledge.